Lately, I've looked back into my life, and seen things that I've done, or didn't do. In my 22 years of life, what have I accomplished? Not much apparently. I failed living on my own, I'm over 5,000 in debt, got fired from a shit paying job. I can't find another job, I quit smoking, and since I've quit, I've had nothing but nightmares, now I remember why I smoked a cigarette before I went to sleep each night. These nightmares of mine are so real, not to mention bloody and horrible. They wake me up, sometimes I scream. But these dreams of mine, involve my loved ones, friends and family alike. And it always ends in bloodshed. It's like there's a darker side in me, that comes out if I don't have a smoke before I sleep. I know it sounds stupid, but It's always been this way. These mental images occur every night, without fail, and I always wake up in a cold sweat. I have not slept well in over a week now.

Maybe I should start drinking heavily, a nice alcohol induced sleep, dreamless, but then again, I'd wake up with a hangover, or some weird person that I don't know curled up in my bed. And I don't want that. I'm starting to see things when I'm awake. Tracers mostly, but sometimes I see people that aren't really there. I think it's from being sleep deprived. But then again, who knows?

I've been sinking deeper and deeper into a depression, and I don't know why. I don't really have anything to cause it. It's just happening. I wake up in the morning, and for a split second, I'm happy. Then it hits me. Depression like never before.

It's like a veil has been dropped over my eyes, and I can't see. My spirituality has been dulled to an almost non-existent state. My emotions have all been turned and twisted. I can't even cry. I feel the urge to, but my tears won't come. Thanks to years of training on holding back the tears, I can't cry. I barely shed tears at funerals now. I've been to seven of those now within 6 years. That's too many, too soon. Two of them were suicides, three of old age basically, one was a botched operation, and one, one was unknown cause to this day.

I've been through a lot of shit I guess, parents divorced when I was two, and for some reason, I took it like it was my fault, my father beat me until I ran away at age of 15, then the deaths, things fell apart. I moved out on my own with a now ex-girlfriend, and things went to shit there, so I move back here, only to find out some things that I kick myself for, a good friend of mine kills himself as soon as I move back. I mean WHAT THE FUCK. Come on! What is in for me next?

I've already been shot at, hit by a car, what's next? Going to funerals is getting old. Maybe I'll be the next to die. Who fucking knows?

Well, whatever it is, it better happen soon, I'm getting tired of waiting for it.